2024-05-30
(I know my English is poor, but I don’t really care, I will write this entry in English to test my ability.)
It began at 2002, the downfall of me. I was a bright student during my elementary and junior high school years. That was my reason for taking accelerated class in my high school. But everything didn’t go as smooth as I imagined. I became more and more lazy. I was the last rank student in my class. I was graduated from high school with minimum scores on some subjects.
It wasn’t all bad actually. I’ve been able to pass university admission test and I was enrolled in one of the best university in Indonesia: Universitas Gadjah Mada. The first three of my collage years were not bad.
The forth year was the beginning of my new downfall. I don’t know what the reasons of my poor behavior, I started to postponed my tasks, became much much more lazier than before. I spent twice of normal study years to finish my degree.
But once again, I got new opportunity to have a better life. After I graduated from college, I didn’t have to wait too long to got a job. It is a dream job for many Indonesian: working as a civil servant, it’s the Indonesian version of American dream. I moved to Surabaya to work that job.
One year after that, I began to behave so poorly. I feel too ashamed to tell you what I’ve been done back then. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had to take medicines. I cannot live alone, so I lived with my mother for several months until I got married. So the story goes on, I was married, had my own small family, but my poor behavior doesn’t stop. I went through up and down, very unstable.
Long story short, right now I’m not in my best condition. I want to back to the track, but I’m afraid I cannot perform as good as I should be. But I don’t want to be like this forever. I need money to raise my kids properly, but I’m too ashamed of my past behavior.
I don’t know what to do.